That God may be glorified

These are indeed trying times. But I hold on steadfastly and with unwavering faith on the one that will never leave nor forsake me: Christ. I may lose everything that I have -- and with the rate things are going, I may not have much left for long -- but as long as I have Him, things will be alright. I am on knees and my body has grown tired and weary from the days of battery, but with my remaining strength, I want to proclaim the wonders of God's glory. I know that He holds me at the cusp of his palm, just as He holds the majestic stars in his hands. Nothing is too big or small or impossible to God. He is in absolute control of the universe and every single leaf falls as He wills. I shall not be afraid because I have Him. And during my entire ordeal, I shall sing and be joyful and in my eventual triumph -- which I claim in my Saviour's name -- the world will know that it is only by my God's grace that I made it through and God will be glorified.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers,

whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.

Perserverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature,

and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

Just hanging on for dear life

Walking home tired at 1 in the morning the other night, I lovingly embraced the coldness and felt at peace with the icy breeze blowing gently at my face. It was slightly drizzling and soon the wintry, sweet-tasting rain drops slowly trickled down my face. I soon realized my cheeks wet from tears that welled and gushed from my very soul. I could not even command them to stop. I have never felt so alone, so battered, so worn. I could only take so much. I am already on the edge. When everything seems to be going wrong, from one tragedy to another, a never ending series of misfortunes and heartaches -- when the very joys of life and living is sapped out of your existence. When you no longer hold your very life dear, what is the purpose of hanging on?

US Visa

The interview took no longer than a minute but the wait lasted more than two hours. Geez. I was thankful my good friend Mark drove me to the US Consulate in Sydney that day despite the fact that he had an exam that same afternoon. Now, that's what real friends are for! Daghang salamat, bai! His exam was at 2 pm and when I was not at the interview window by 12 noon, I had to breeze through several security checks just to call and tell him to drive home without me. Oh well.

But what really made my day was the cute girl I met at the consulate. I was already in the queue for the first security check when she walked in, half running to fall in line. She looked Asian enough, and I suspected she could be Filo. Boy, was she stunning! Yup. She had long, straight black hair and the most gorgeous smile. Hmmm... it was love at first sight. Nah! Just kidding.

When I was bored stiff and trying hard to amuse myself at the 59th floor waiting for my turn to submit my docs, I saw her just across me. I quick glance at her green passport gave away her nationality. I hurriedly asked, "Pinoy ka?" and she said, "Yeah, ikaw?" -- hmmm... should I have said, is it not obvious? Lol. All of a sudden, the two-hour wait was more than bearable. Whoa! Talk about serendipity.

Before I was finally called for my interview, she has revealed enough for me to have made a complete profile of her in my head. I found it charming that she had to grab my passport to check my age (she couldnt believe I'm 30. Yup, I am, and proud of it!) and she wrote down her name and mobile number on my card since I was unsure of my own mobile number. Let's skip through the details. Owing to the fact that I no longer had a ride home and will just be taking the train, I asked her out for lunch. Hmmm... hard sell, man! But she said yes. I was grinning from ear to ear. And after lunch, since I wanted to keep her as long as I can, asked her to have coffee with me. And she said, why not? Ha! Sweet.

That was just last week. I am still a bit infatuated. As for her, I dont know. I'm not really on the lookout for romance these days, but still, the reassurance that my heart could still shudder, beat and flutter is good enough. And if you're wondering what happened to my visa application, I was granted ten years. Wooohoo! I got a text from her that she too was given ten years. She's also flying to California. Who nows, if I'm lucky I'll see her there.

Book binging and perfumes

It is never cheap to entertain oneself. And the harrowing days that I endured quite recently from a series of unfortunate events (lost phone, heartbreak, almost lost car, etc., etc.) almost caused me my own life. No kidding. I am not as tough as I look. Yup, even the shaved hair is kinda all for show. Not to mention it does save me on hair products (shampoo, gel) and time (out of the shower room straight into my car in five minutes flat) and a whole lot of bother (I can now run my fingers through what’s left of my hair and never get peeved that someone will ruin my hair).

Going back to the topic… So what I did to tide me over my bouts of ever increasing insanity and intensifying suicidal moments (calm down, I’m still here, ain’t I?) is I drowned myself in alcohol (yup and I wont say sorry for that) and the nerd that I am, in books (finished Jonathan Strange and Harry Potter 7 in a week) and bought perfume (three in two weeks). Oh well. On top of that, I also finished two papers which hopefully will be published in the PLJ (please, please) and just the other night, a paper abstract for an international conference in July 2008 in the Philippines. Oh, and over the weekend I finished two other books (one by Samuel Beckett and another by Milan Kundera – love him!) and today I borrowed War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (be rest assured that I wont finish this thick tome in a week). I also started a fresh chapter of my thesis a few days ago – this one’s not too promising but I’m working on it. What else…

Now that I think about it, I should give myself a pat on the back. I’m not doing that bad. I didn’t even think I’ll make it through. I am still in the middle of a life storm but I suppose the worst is over. God knows I can only take so many blows. These days, I’m just hanging on. Hanging on for dear life, even. But I’ll make it through if it takes reading all the books on earth. What a freaky thought. Ciao for now! Love life!